Blessings in disguise

Sometimes things happen and we question 

Why? We beg for another  solution and get so frustrated and upset when our plan doesn't pan out just as we envisioned. Below are the lyrics to one of my most favorite songs. It's cby Hillary Weeks and is called beautiful Heartbreak

It sums up perfectly the way I have come to feel about the past 8 months of my life. i still donot understand but I do have a great view from the top of this new mountain I have had to climb and I am great full for all the blessings that have come in disguise. 

----------Beautiful Heartbreak-------

I had it all mapped out in front of me, 

Knew just where I wanted to go; 

But life decided to change my plans, 

And I found a mountain in the middle of my road. 

I knew there was no way over it, 

So I searched for a way around; 

Brokenhearted I started climbin', 

And at the top I found... 

Every fear, every doubt, 

All the pain I went through; 

Was the price that I paid to see this view; 

And now that I'm here I would never trade... 

The grace that I feel, 

And the faith that I find; 

Through the bitter-sweet tears, 

And the sleepless nights; 

I used to pray he'd take it all away, 

But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak. 

I never dreamed my heart would make it, 

I thought about turning around; 

But heaven has shown me miracles, 

I never would have seen from the ground. 

Now I take the rain with the sunshine, 

Cause there's one thing that I know; 

He picks up the pieces, 

Along each broken road. 

Every fear, every doubt, 

All the pain I went through; 

Was the price that I paid to see this view; 

And now that I'm here I would never trade... 

The grace that I feel, 

And the faith that I find; 

Through the bitter-sweet tears, 

And the sleepless nights. 

I used to pray he'd take it all away, 

But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak. 

I would never trade... 

The grace that I feel, 

And the faith that I find; 

Through the bitter-sweet tears, 

And the sleepless nights. 

I used to pray he'd take it all away, 

But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

Today

Today. 

Dave told me he didn't want to be married anymore 7 months ago today. 

Happy anniversary? Yeah ...not so much. Much has happened in those seven seemingly never ending months. Not the least of which is the finalization of the divorce and the would-be celebration of eleven years of marriage. 

I have a new empathy for those around me- a renewed resolve to never judge until I've walked a mile in another's shoes. I remember well those first five weeks of silence- I didn't tell another living soul of my utter devastation/anguish. That communication was left only to my Heavenly Father in hopes that something somewhere somehow would change and this travesty might be averted. I pleaded for solace for understanding and comfort. I still haven't received an outright understanding but solace and comfort have been my constant companions these long difficult months. 

Countless Blessings have been showered upon myself and my children as we've embarked upon this unwanted journey. We've never wanted for anything. Never a day has gone by that some tender mercy hasn't touched our lives or hearts. We have been surrounded by faithful saints willing and ready to serve. I can never repay the debt I owe to my fellow ward members, my and Dave's families,thoughtful neighbors, dear friends and even countless acquaintances and strangers who have served, prayed, and otherwise blessed my little clan. I will forever be in your debt and for your help I am immensely  grateful- we couldn't have made it to where we are now without each of those tender mercies. 

Even now all this time later my heart aches for what might have been - 'my happily ever after' forever erased from existence in the blink of an eye. 

I do not now know what our Heavenly Father has in store for me. I do however know that it is of great worth and I have received confirmation of this knowledge time and again as I have questioned and pleaded for understanding and peace. I do not understand, but I do have peace. I believe The Lord has a plan for us. I know He loves us and knows our needs. We are still having new experiences daily on this path to our new life together as single mom/kids.

Each day brings the promise of hope, as well as the burden of reflection. I choose not to dwell on what I can not change and to change that which I can. I know i can only change me. I can become my own best me- the me I've always meant to be. I am. I'm learning and growing a little each day. I've regained the ability to eat, to sleep, to smile, to laugh with my babies. Each of these is a milestone in our recovery for which I am grateful. Each marks a patch on a once broken heart now mending. The patches will be many the healing maybe slow but I am resolved to mend it completely before I'm through.   

Today is just one more 'patch'- one more step along our journey;

so I am grateful for today. We are on our way...