Eleven

Jaxsons eleventh birthday was today. He had special fresh doughnuts for breakfast, treats at school, 1st place in his den in the scout pine wood derby tonight,  a laser tag friends' party on Saturday and a family party last night. Wow! What a great day. Lucky boy. Lucky mom. So Glad to have him. 

Today was a hard day for me emotionally. I spent the day reflecting becoming a mother for the first time and the past 11+years. Lots has happened. So much in fact I nearly can't wrap my head around it all. The joy of becoming a mother, the sorrow of being a single mother. Doing all. 

 My heart hurts tonight. First to show up last to leave. All the work, none of the credit. Yet Why are they sitting with HIM and his fiancé. Why is it ok for him to swoop in late and take all the credit for everything then leave early and not do any of the work? Im so tired. Tired of putting teary kids back together. Tired d making everything ok. Tired of not saying anything. Tired of seeing/ feeling their pain. Why did I choose HIM? Why did I feel it was right? Why would The Lord let him hurt me and our babies like this? How can a person be SO selfish. Why do I even care? Why couldn't I have found Luke first?