This Saturday marks 15 months of my being single. Last night it felt like 15 years!
Early in the day I wasn't feeling well and was missing the kids as they had spent the weekend with their dad. They got to come home early though- which we all celebrated like it was Christmas! But then reality set in, and the tears and the tantrums and the clingy-ness started. I begged and pleaded for cooperation on even the simplest of requests with no luck. Every little choice common to every hour of everyday was suddenly a battlefield. And the night eventually ended with four sleepy clingy babies in my bed cuddled for security, and me awake, completely exhausted and overwhelmed praying and crying to a loving Heavenly Father for the strength to face one more day and for the knowledge necessary to help nurture/heal my babies hurting hearts.
I sometimes take a step back and realize just exactly how immensely I am in over my head. The human heart and mind are complicated things- especially those of children. I cant imagine a more frustrating scenario than to have felt (and still feel) some of the strong and devastating emotions I have felt this past year only to be limited to the experience and vocabulary of a small child! What a terrible trial. I can relate to every one of those tears and tantrums and outbursts- I've been there and I've felt very much like throwing myself on the ground in tears unable to cope-even with many years of schooling and life experience under my belt...(hilarious sounding perhaps, but all too realistic as well haha!)
The 'comeback day' as they've begun to be called is always a difficult one. Even when both parents try their hardest to make transitions easier and time spent more fun and meaningful, life isn't meant to be lived in two separate spheres. Heck many adults have a difficult enough time segmenting work and home, yet we ask the children of divorce to LIVE IT their entire lives, and as if that wasn't enough, we then pretend like its now somehow normal and appropriate and simple. But I am learning first hand that this is a very flawed nature of thought. In my opinion, by asking kids to live in two "different spheres"(we also call them homes) we are inviting them to share 40% of their life with one parent and 60% with the other but since neither parent (or perhaps anyone) has shared 100% of that child's life/memories, we are somehow exposing them to a life of solitude... because they don't feel they can (or should) share all of the 40% with the 60% and vice versa. So now, in my opinion, even the most out spoken child shares only a fractional "safe" percentage with both. It is a difficult situation indeed and not one I believe even under the best of circumstances could be resolved easily.
While I have the best support system a person could ask for there- it is no replacement for the company/support of a dutiful spouse. The Days are harder, the nights are longer, the hours can drag on even with the most amazing supportive neighbors, friends, family, and the love of countless others- At the end of the day- you are still alone. At night, in my room, my problems are only mine. Mine and the Lord's. The adversary is very strong, it doesn't take much to overwhelm a person who is constantly hounded by the inability to be two people. Four mouths to feed, 4 bodies to hug, 4 stories to hear and 4 hearts to heal and only ONE me.
Families are meant to consist of two parents; four hands, four legs, four ears, four eyes, two minds and two hearts, the reason for this is that one is not enough. While I cant count the many miracles and tender mercies we have been rewarded I also vividly remember countless times this year when I have felt so completely inadequate and isolated. Though I know through the blessing of the atonement, things will work out and though I am just one me and I am sorely inadequate, somehow, I have a testimony that someday my not-enough-ness will be enough. On days like yesterday and today I am so very grateful for my knowledge of the atonement and the ability it has to take our offering (not matter how meager) and make it enough.
I'm grateful for my babies. I'm grateful that I get to be their mom. I mourn for the imperfect life I have given them, I cry that they have to know such heartache so early. I pray that they can be strong, that they can overcome this hard hand they've been dealt. I want for them to have a happy childhood even though I am incapable to offer it to them the way God intended. I thank Him everyday for the gift of the atonement and the ability it has to succor our wounds and heal our sorrows. I am grateful for the healing nature of time. I thought I hated time because it felt so cold- so slow and unforgiving, but time does not haunt me anymore the way did before. In fact, I can honestly say that right now I am thankful for it. Thankful for the way it helps us to heal and forget. Thankful for the way it helps us move forward and thankful for all the things we are able to learn in time.
Last night alone in my bed full of sleeping kiddos I was grateful for the ability to try again. The good times to come and the promise of the future. I'm happy where we are today. I'm grateful we've made it as far as we have in the time that's past. I know we have been so very blessed. The Lord truly does hear and answer our prayers and we are never alone. No matter how isolated and solitary I feel I know I can always turn to the Lord and that had made so many things 'okay'. My faith has grown and been strengthened. I've personally used and come to more fully appreciate the atonement of Jesus Christ. I believe all things happen for a reason- whether we're able to comprehend that reason now or not. I am grateful for the timing of a Loving Heavenly Father and the ability it gives us to better ourselves and become closer to Him.
