Years ago in seminary I remember a lesson about priorities. I don't recall the particular details but I do remember the punch line 'don't give up what you want most for what you want RIGHT now'. I've been contemplating this recently as I enter this new phase of my life. I don't want to ' 'settle' (so to speak) ever.
As a strange and exceptionally new and untested tangent I have been asked out on a few dates recently:( while this is terrifying and flattering all in the same moment My mind keeps returning again and again to that seminary lesson theme. It is a very terrible/wonderful conflicting emotion all wrapped up into one fleeting experience. On the one hand YES it feels good and is fun to have someone that is perhaps interested in me for me and makes me feel good about me. And YES I often feel lonely and IT IS fun to think that the great void in my soul could once again be filled with companionship- even for an evening. BUT here's the tricky part- I do not at this time feel that I have had sufficient time to heal the heartache I still suffer.:( I worry SHOULD i meet someone and become even marginally involved my judgement may not be as fine tuned as necessary to accurately secure the requisite blessings and longings my eternal soul could demand. (When you're starving any food tastes great) how do I set out to temper myself to withstand the longings of mortality such to be prepared to receive the ultimate blessings of eternity? I don't just want 'FOOD'-I want the best gourmet offering The Lord has prepared. I know it's there and I believe it's something I can be entitled to if I am willing to work on myself first so that i am the best me that i can be coupled with a faithful and patient heart. The Lord knows our needs. He knows the innermost desires of our hearts. This I do not doubt. The trick is in the patience. Waiting is not something most are good at, myself included- particularly lately it seems. Alas, good things come to those who wait. Hence, In accordance with brother Carter's lesson i shall always remember not to give up what I want most for that which I want right now-no matter the cost. I am resolved to not allow myself to be hasty when so much is at stake. I shall not settle. I shall stand firm and achieve that which has been promised- albeit in this life or the next.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Monday, April 8, 2013
Done!!!
I'm so very grateful for the friends and family that have been there for us these past few months! The tender mercies selfless service and miracles have been many. Our prayers have been answered- we have not gone without, and our hearts and lives have been deeply touched.
I was doing really poorly then really well and now once again my heart is breaking! We spent the week in st. George with cousins and it was so fantastic! We played and shopped and laughed and explored. Wonderful every minute! I'm so very happy for them and the sweet spirit they are able to maintain in their humble home:)
My heart breaks over and over for my kids though- having spent so much time with my cousin and her amazing husband and kids left my mind and heart reeling! They were so kind and generous and happy AND my kids and I loved it. But now the bedtimes are long and teary and hard again as my babies wonder why their daddy doesn't love them like their cousins daddy loves his kids? I hurt every minute inside as I can't help but feel somewhat responsible for this horrible pain they are experiencing- because I picked their dad:! It's such an awful sinking feeling to see a sweet innocent little one suffering and aching so:( I can only imagine how our Heavenly Father feels each time we struggle. Unlike our lord i am powerless to solve/ help my babies. I made that choice. It can't be changed- nor would I want it to. These kids are the best thing I've ever done and I would never wish that away, no matter how difficult. I only wish they didn't have to feel the pain of divorce. I hate that the hard lessons of life are theirs to learn so early on. I see the pain In their faces and hear the cries of their hearts . No child should have to wonder how come they aren't loved the way they were meant to be loved. No mother should have to placate her babies broken hearts and dry tear stained eyes because daddy's not there- or because they're family is broken- never to be healed. It's a helpless lonely gut-wrenching horrible feeling. And While I'm aware the atonement will make up the difference of what I'm not capable to provide/ console - yet nothing so far seems to help relieve the implacable guilt that wrenches through my soul.
I was doing really poorly then really well and now once again my heart is breaking! We spent the week in st. George with cousins and it was so fantastic! We played and shopped and laughed and explored. Wonderful every minute! I'm so very happy for them and the sweet spirit they are able to maintain in their humble home:)
My heart breaks over and over for my kids though- having spent so much time with my cousin and her amazing husband and kids left my mind and heart reeling! They were so kind and generous and happy AND my kids and I loved it. But now the bedtimes are long and teary and hard again as my babies wonder why their daddy doesn't love them like their cousins daddy loves his kids? I hurt every minute inside as I can't help but feel somewhat responsible for this horrible pain they are experiencing- because I picked their dad:! It's such an awful sinking feeling to see a sweet innocent little one suffering and aching so:( I can only imagine how our Heavenly Father feels each time we struggle. Unlike our lord i am powerless to solve/ help my babies. I made that choice. It can't be changed- nor would I want it to. These kids are the best thing I've ever done and I would never wish that away, no matter how difficult. I only wish they didn't have to feel the pain of divorce. I hate that the hard lessons of life are theirs to learn so early on. I see the pain In their faces and hear the cries of their hearts . No child should have to wonder how come they aren't loved the way they were meant to be loved. No mother should have to placate her babies broken hearts and dry tear stained eyes because daddy's not there- or because they're family is broken- never to be healed. It's a helpless lonely gut-wrenching horrible feeling. And While I'm aware the atonement will make up the difference of what I'm not capable to provide/ console - yet nothing so far seems to help relieve the implacable guilt that wrenches through my soul.
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