I was doing really poorly then really well and now once again my heart is breaking! We spent the week in st. George with cousins and it was so fantastic! We played and shopped and laughed and explored. Wonderful every minute! I'm so very happy for them and the sweet spirit they are able to maintain in their humble home:)
My heart breaks over and over for my kids though- having spent so much time with my cousin and her amazing husband and kids left my mind and heart reeling! They were so kind and generous and happy AND my kids and I loved it. But now the bedtimes are long and teary and hard again as my babies wonder why their daddy doesn't love them like their cousins daddy loves his kids? I hurt every minute inside as I can't help but feel somewhat responsible for this horrible pain they are experiencing- because I picked their dad:! It's such an awful sinking feeling to see a sweet innocent little one suffering and aching so:( I can only imagine how our Heavenly Father feels each time we struggle. Unlike our lord i am powerless to solve/ help my babies. I made that choice. It can't be changed- nor would I want it to. These kids are the best thing I've ever done and I would never wish that away, no matter how difficult. I only wish they didn't have to feel the pain of divorce. I hate that the hard lessons of life are theirs to learn so early on. I see the pain In their faces and hear the cries of their hearts . No child should have to wonder how come they aren't loved the way they were meant to be loved. No mother should have to placate her babies broken hearts and dry tear stained eyes because daddy's not there- or because they're family is broken- never to be healed. It's a helpless lonely gut-wrenching horrible feeling. And While I'm aware the atonement will make up the difference of what I'm not capable to provide/ console - yet nothing so far seems to help relieve the implacable guilt that wrenches through my soul.
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