It's over....When Happily ever after ENDS-

I don't know where or how to begin this post...I've been dreading it and avoiding it all along. Sometimes I still forget it's real. I Hate that.

Dave told me the evening of October 18th that he didn't want to be Married anymore.
It was completely unexpected by me.
He didn't move out right away and I didn't tell anyone anything for over 5 weeks-
All the while I felt I had died inside.
I have spent the past several months in a blur.
Our Divorce was finalized Jan 3, 2013.
He didn't want anything- except to be done with everything.
The thirtieth of this month would have been our 11th wedding anniversary.
We have four wonderful children for whom I am daily grateful.
Thanks to all our many family and friends for your love and support through this difficult time-
We couldn't have made it without you.

I haven't blogged much because it has all been such a whirlwind. I was telling a neighbor today that in my mind it's still November. As the dust begins to settle it feels like I've been robbed of nearly half a year. I feel as though the fog that has been clouding my mind is slowly beginning to lift. The pain has gone from excruciating to ever present- yet tolerable. I am beginning to smile again. I am beginning to eat/sleep again. I am grateful for my knowledge of the Savior and his atonement. I am so in His Debt. He held me and consoled me those first horrible weeks. He's made it possible for this cloud of hurt and darkness to begin to break up. I've received to a new more intimate relationship with my savior then ever before. I have renewed faith in the future. I have faith in myself. I have faith in my babies- for whom my heart breaks again and again. I have faith the atonement has the power to heal their hearts. I believe there is a plan. I'm thankful for this knowledge every hour of every day. I pray for those around me. I hurt for those in pain. I feel more empathy for the suffering. I never have felt this depth of sorrow. I never before had known this level of heart break. My soul has ached for  comfort. My mind has begged for relief. My Body has revolted- daily tasks became immense chores. Eating was a burden. I ached for sleep but it would not come. I was blessed by those around me. Miracles abounded. Every time I thought things wouldn't add up or I had nothing left to give I was blessed with renewed strength in the form of service by my fellow men. When I couldn't carry on- my will was at its end, The Lord would send a friend to take the kids or deliver a meal,family to lend an ear. Hope was brought to the hopeless. I never went without. I was never left alone. I was blessed never to feel bitter- never to dwell in anger. Never to unduly experience fear. Our needs were met. Our thoughts and prayers were and still are being heard. I am grateful for a testimony of the truth- of the love our Father has for us. I'm thankful for His plan. I Love the Gospel of Jesus Christ and am so very humbled to have the peace and comfort it gives me and the strength it lends to my babies as they learn such hard life lessons so early.

Forward Progress

We are doing ok. Life is very different these days but gratefully we are beginning to adjust to our new routine. The Lord has been generous in His tender mercies upon our sweet family. These babies are sooo very strong and motivate me to be better every day. They are definately the best choices I've ever made and the best thing I've ever been apart of. Of that I have no doubt. I'm so very humbled to be blessed to be their mother!

PICTURES!

 Silly little cabbage patch baby

 ISU Game With Farrell- Go BENGALS!

 Jaxson Scout honors/achievements 2012

 My little Leprechans

Catching Popping Popcorn in the Kitchen (a family home evening Fav!)

It...

Is it someone else?
Is it something else?
Perhaps a lack of identity within oneself?
How can one know, if they can't tell themselves?
I want to help- want to give of myself, but this problem's not mine.
I can't solve it alone.
How to help I still am not sure, but of this I'm certain-
I'll do what I must.
I'll never give up.
I'll do whatever it takes to help you rebound.
We need for you to be happy.
We love you so much.
Even if that means I must allow you to go.
No, it's not easy, it hurts more than I can admit
but I know I can't stand to see you suffer so.
I miss the spark in your eye, the laugh in your voice,
that special something that made everything alright.
It will be ok, whatever you pick.
We'll always be cheering for you, proud of all the great things that you'll do.
We're willing to do whatever it takes, to help you find you.
I hope you can find it. I hope it exists.
I hope you won't feel that there's something you've missed.
Let us know if there is help we can give, along this road you feel you must travel.
Please always remember you're loved- not simply by us but also by Father above.
You're never alone, in that you can trust.
He also can hear you and will help you find what you must.
I love you my darling.
Best wishes my dear.
I hope for you happiness year after year.
(Also when you find it, I'd love to hear.)

Sometimes...

Sometimes it's okay to not understand.
Sometimes it's not bad to be upset.
Sometimes things are not what they seem.
Sometimes people let us down, down so low we can't be found.
Sometimes its okay to not be brave, while the whole world's crashing down.
Eventually, I'm told, things will be ok, but it doesn't feel like that sometimes.
Today I don't like sometimes.
I yearn for other times when things were real and times were fun.
I miss the smiles, hate the tears.
Was it ever real?
For me it always was.
It feels as though it was for you too sometimes.
How will I ever know? The choice is not mine.
I don't know that I can ever understand.
Not this time.
We need you, and not just sometimes.

MUCH...

Much has happened since I've updated this blog and for now it cannot all be contained here. The thought of MUCH as a general principle is very much on my mind as of late.  Time changes so many things- kids grow/change, relationships grow/change, life presents challenges and joys. Heartache and devastation, Happiness and contentment- for better or worse everything changes with time.

In the scriptures we learn that time is fleeting and doesn't stay ('it came to pass...') we must live and love with our whole energies of spirit every hour of every day to make the most of this small window of mortality we are each individually granted. I am regularly amazed at how much one moment/action/choice can alter the entire outcome of our lives for better or for worse. I am astounded how much a person can have. I am amazed at the goodness of a loving Heavenly Father. I have learned we can't change others, only ourselves and pray for the rest- in faith, that things will work out- realizing the Lord has a plan and is mindful of our needs. I love the quote by President Hinckley about looking him self in the mirror and saying something to the extent of "it will be okay, it will all work out." I am grateful for how much we can learn from our living prophets and apostles and how the  Lord Guides them to lead us give the counsel we very much need to hear.

 I feel very blessed. We have been given so much. I'm grateful for the opportunities that change us and help us to grow. I'm grateful for the much love I feel for and from our families and friends. I ever grateful for the many joys motherhood has supplied me through the years. I'm grateful the Lord saw fit to bless us with 4 beautiful spirits that are filled with so much love and wise beyond their years. I pray everyday that I may be the mother they deserve. I pray that they will be strong and always trust in the Lord, especially when life feels hard. I pray that they will be able to feel how much we love them no matter what obstacles life throws our way. I should very much like to protect them- guard them from the harshness and pain of reality- keep them safe, young, innocent and confident. That would do much to calm my soul.

There is so much that is beyond our control- even when you feel you have done everything right- everything you're supposed to do to ensure a safe happy life for them. Everything the Father asks. There is so much that changes and so much we can't foresee- despite our faith and best efforts. The adversary is a very strong force and skillful at detecting our short comes, we must do much to ever be wary of his ever lingering presence and watchful eye.

 I'm sorry my babies. Everyday I pray that you may be spared much. Mortality is so hard. So much to learn so young. So much to endure so early. So many decisions, choices- pleasures and pain.   So much left undone. So much affected, so much changed. It can feel like Too much sometimes... which is why I'm so very grateful I've already been entrusted with and love you so much.

Update's and recent funny stories

Jax- he's doing so good! He got an advanced score on his ISAT's and so they are considering him for the Gifted & Talented program next year. He's still very Jaxson though- today for instance- I went to the post office with the two little ones and he and Eva stayed home to get their AR reading homework done--- so after about a half hour (or less) I came home and apparently he and Eva decided to sit on the porch to read because the weather is phenomenal- well after a minute or two he somehow ended up sitting or laying or something on Dave's motorbike that was parked on front yard and he somehow managed to tip it over on top of himself and he and Eva couldn't get it off of his leg- and at just the same time he see's his old first grade teacher driving by and yells to her to stop and help them... so she stops and helps him get out from under the bike and set it up right again and leaves. Crazy! apparently I got there just after she left. Pretty awful... I can only imagine what was going through her mind... oh well can't win them all!

Eva- She just performed in the Cinderella Ballet this past weekend and she was so cute! She did her part perfectly and really loved being on stage- the only thing she didn't love was all the gel I had to put in her hair in an attempt to keep it all in a bun! Also she's a little sad that she cut it all off because she got cast as Goldilocks in her school play :( oops- oh well the wig is hideous and scratchy but it's just for a few minutes....lol Oh- she's also getting fabulously tall- she's got these amazing legs that just go forever ( I'm pretty jealous and I'm pretty sure Elle will be eventually too baha! j/k- she is growing like crazy though- they all are!)

Shark-attack!- so he's just as funny and adorable as ever! Last night we were closing up the church after pack meeting and carter pulled the fire alarm! The lights start blinking and sirens screaming and a computer man was blaring over it all for everyone to evacuate the bldg. Silly boy! He had know idea- but I kept my cool even though I was humiliated- both our faces were bright red...it wouldn't have been so bad but the other ward in the bldg was having their big fundraiser dinner/ silent auction...oops! yeah we totally sabotaged it. We told them it was a false alarm but the noise was so terrible and disruptive that most of the people left and as if that wasn't enough then the fire/police departments showed up and had to ask all the embarrassing questions all over again. Yeah he's silly-- and do you know what he said when he was getting tucked in???--- "I 'fink' I 'yearned' my 'yesson'!" How could I ever be mad at him? It's really not quite fair;)

Elena- she is talking up a storm. She's like a little parrot she mimics everything we all do! Her most favorite thing to do right now though is yell at the kitten. ( oh yeah Dave bought a kitten a few months ago- named her Ginger) Elle loves to tell her to get down and stop it and no-no. Her other new thing is if you scold her for anything she will put on her pouty face and pretend to cry as she runs to hug you and say sorry- it's pretty funny cuz she fake inhales like she been sobbing and then she's off a hundred miles an hour to explore (take out and make a mess with) everything. She's so fun right now. What a funny little fearless princess! ( yes... princess- her

favorite outfit of choice is a diaper a dozen necklaces and few purses. she's cute)

 

Dave's doing great and has finals this week and part of next then he will have a one week break before summer internships start. The kids and I are super excited for that week! We are really proud of him.

 

My favorite quote today is  "Stick to a task til it sticks to you, beginners are many but finishers are few." I read it in Sister Hinckley's book a few days ago and just thought it was neat. :)

Brief Jamberry Intro