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Sunday, March 23, 2014


Jaxsons eleventh birthday was today. He had special fresh doughnuts for breakfast, treats at school, 1st place in his den in the scout pine wood derby tonight,  a laser tag friends' party on Saturday and a family party last night. Wow! What a great day. Lucky boy. Lucky mom. So Glad to have him. 

Today was a hard day for me emotionally. I spent the day reflecting becoming a mother for the first time and the past 11+years. Lots has happened. So much in fact I nearly can't wrap my head around it all. The joy of becoming a mother, the sorrow of being a single mother. Doing all. 

 My heart hurts tonight. First to show up last to leave. All the work, none of the credit. Yet Why are they sitting with HIM and his fiancé. Why is it ok for him to swoop in late and take all the credit for everything then leave early and not do any of the work? Im so tired. Tired of putting teary kids back together. Tired d making everything ok. Tired of not saying anything. Tired of seeing/ feeling their pain. Why did I choose HIM? Why did I feel it was right? Why would The Lord let him hurt me and our babies like this? How can a person be SO selfish. Why do I even care? Why couldn't I have found Luke first? 


We did it! We have officially survived one year on our own. The kids and I have made much progress this past 13 months and have much more to go -but thankfully, we have survived to this epic mile marker. We've had our fair share of bumps along the way but we've also had some good times as well. Halloween for instance was the best! We played and parties all day long.we even made the local paper haha. Yes we've truly been blessed! So grateful for all who have served sacrificed and prayed for my little crew. We did it! There's more landmarks to come with the holidays just around the corner but I have faith we can do that too. I believe we've made it through the worst thank goodness:)

Monday, January 13, 2014

Comeback Emotions

This Saturday marks 15 months of my being single. Last night it felt like 15 years!

 Early in the day I wasn't feeling well and was missing the kids as they had spent the weekend with their dad. They got to come home early though- which we all celebrated like it was Christmas! But then reality set in, and the tears and the tantrums and the clingy-ness started. I begged and pleaded for cooperation on even the simplest of requests with no luck. Every little choice common to every hour of everyday was suddenly a battlefield. And the night eventually ended with four sleepy clingy babies in my bed cuddled for security, and me awake, completely exhausted and overwhelmed praying and crying to a loving Heavenly Father for the strength to face one more day and for the knowledge necessary to help nurture/heal my babies hurting hearts.

I sometimes take a step back and realize just exactly how immensely I am in over my head. The human heart and mind are complicated things- especially those of children. I cant imagine a more frustrating scenario than to have felt (and still feel) some of the strong and devastating emotions I have felt this past year only to be limited to the experience and vocabulary of a small child! What a terrible trial. I can relate to every one of those tears and tantrums and outbursts- I've been there and I've felt very much like throwing myself on the ground in tears unable to cope-even with many years of schooling and life experience under my belt...(hilarious sounding perhaps, but all too realistic as well haha!)

 The 'comeback day' as they've begun to be called is always a difficult one. Even when both parents try their hardest to make transitions easier and time spent more fun and meaningful, life isn't meant to be lived in two separate spheres. Heck many adults have a difficult enough time segmenting work and home, yet we ask the children of divorce to LIVE IT their entire lives, and as if that wasn't enough, we then pretend like its now somehow normal and appropriate and simple. But I am learning first hand that this is a very flawed nature of thought. In my opinion, by asking kids to live in two "different spheres"(we also call them homes) we are inviting them to share 40% of their life with one parent and 60% with the other but since neither parent (or perhaps anyone) has shared 100% of that child's life/memories, we are somehow exposing them to a life of solitude... because they don't feel they can (or should) share all of the 40% with the 60% and vice versa. So now, in my opinion, even the most out spoken child shares only a fractional "safe" percentage with both. It is a difficult situation indeed and not one I believe even under the best of circumstances could be resolved easily.

 While I have the best support system a person could ask for there- it is no replacement for the company/support of a dutiful spouse. The Days are harder, the nights are longer, the hours can drag on even with the most amazing supportive neighbors, friends, family, and the love of countless others- At the end of the day- you are still alone. At night, in my room, my problems are only mine. Mine and the Lord's. The adversary is very strong, it doesn't take much to overwhelm a person who is constantly hounded by the inability to be two people. Four mouths to feed, 4 bodies to hug, 4 stories to hear and 4 hearts to heal and only ONE me.

 Families are meant to consist of two parents; four hands, four legs, four ears, four eyes, two minds and two hearts, the reason for this is that one is not enough. While I cant count the many miracles and tender mercies we have been rewarded I also vividly remember countless times this year when I have felt so completely inadequate and isolated. Though I know through the blessing of the atonement, things will work out and though I am just one me and I am sorely inadequate, somehow, I have a testimony that someday my not-enough-ness will be enough. On days like yesterday and today I am so very grateful for my knowledge of the atonement and the ability it has to take our offering (not matter how meager) and make it enough.

I'm grateful for my babies. I'm grateful that I get to be their mom. I mourn for the imperfect life I have given them, I cry that they have to know such heartache so early. I pray that they can be strong, that they can overcome this hard hand they've been dealt. I want for them to have a happy childhood even though I am incapable to offer it to them the way God intended. I thank Him everyday for the gift of the atonement and the ability it has to succor our wounds and heal our sorrows. I am grateful for the healing nature of time. I thought I hated time because it felt so cold- so slow and unforgiving, but time does not haunt me anymore the way did before. In fact, I can honestly say that right now I am thankful for it. Thankful for the way it helps us to heal and forget. Thankful for the way it helps us move forward and thankful for all the things we are able to learn in time.

Last night alone in my bed full of sleeping kiddos I was grateful for the ability to try again. The good times to come and the promise of  the future. I'm happy where we are today. I'm grateful we've made it as far as we have in the time that's past. I know we have been so very blessed. The Lord truly does hear and answer our prayers and we are never alone. No matter how isolated and solitary I feel I know I can always turn to the Lord and that had made so many things 'okay'.  My faith has grown and been strengthened.  I've personally used and come to more fully appreciate the atonement of Jesus Christ. I believe all things happen for a reason- whether we're able to  comprehend that reason now or not. I am grateful for the timing of a Loving Heavenly Father and the ability it gives us to better ourselves and become closer to Him.

View photo.JPG in slide show

Tuesday, October 15, 2013


In three days I will have officially been alone for one year. as of today- 362 days have passed since Dave come home and told me he didn't want to be married anymore. So much has happened in these past 12 months it really is hard to take it all in. I personally cannot believe it has nearly been a year. I feel as if I've been robbed of an entire year of my life. In my mind I feel it should be January. Here are a few of the major events/ happenings that have taken place in the past 362 days....
  • Dave Left
  • Grandma Wilson Passed away
  • Dave became a great uncle
  • Eva quit Dance after a few horrible foot surgerys :(
  • Elena turned 2
  • Carter turned 5
  • I quit eating/sleeping
  • I was served divorce papers
  • We survived the holidays
  • Jan 3rd 2013 the divorce was finalized
  • I got an iphone
  • I cut my hair short
  • Jan 10? I had contractors look at my BSMT to give me a bid on installing a 2nd bathroom so we wouldn't have to move.
  • Jan 30 AM  the contractors brought me a bid for the proposed renovation. That night I was so discouraged I didn't sleep at all.
  • I repainted/ redecorated my room with a little help from my friends
  • I don't remember much else about January.
  • February 2nd AM I prayed and cried because I knew there was no way I could possibly come up with the means to make it happen even though I so desperately need/wanted it to
  • Feb 2 The kids and I took a hammer to one of the huge cement walls. It crumbled and I felt better.
  • Feb 7th I felt I should accept the bid in faith that our heavenly Father would provide and if I would just do everything in my power to move forward so I called and told them I would accept the bid and was ready to move forward whenever they were available.
  • Mid-late February  it snowed and the contractors came to work on my home!(I was their 'inside' job)
  • I performed at Frazier hall with Kirby's Comedy troupe- so scary and fun...
  • Jax turned 11
  • March 5,6,&7 With the help of my neighbors and my ward (scouts, High priests, EQ and many other gracious volunteers) we removed 6 12-18 inch cement walls. Opening the way for a splendid new beginning.
  • I made many more new friends
  • I got asked on a date...I said no
  • I skywalked
  • the car broke down- radiator replaced
  • I took the kids to My wonderful Cousin Becky's home in St. George for Spring Break. Loved it!
  • I texted.
  • I played Scrabble...ALOT
  • the BSMT got framed
  • I got asked out on a date...I went. I couldn't even eat dinner and shook like a leaf the entire time. so terrifying and intimidating and strange!
  • Little Eva Turned 8!!!
  • Eva got baptized
  • Eva got braces
  • All the kids took swimming lessons
  • The microwave and Dishwasher had to be replaced
  • The fuel pump on the car had to be replaced.
  • Eva had a huge cut full of stitches in her head
  • Krista got home from her Mish...
  • Summer was soooooo fun!
  • We worked everyday on the BSMT
  • I started eating again...and sleeping at least 3-4 hrs a night (up from 0-1)
  • Dave graduated with his masters degree in counseling! Great work Dave:) 
  • June- I got to be an aunt again.
  • BSMT got Drywalled
  • We had to move the water main (huge trench in the yard!)
  • BSMT Got plumbed
  • Egresss window cut out!
  • Ginger (the kids' cat)  disappeared for 11 days and we thought she was gone for good :(
  • she came back!
  • I went  to a Jamberry Nails Conference in Salt Lake and loved it!
  • I went to a cabin in palisades
  • I turned 33
  • Farrell turned 92
  • The girls got an adorable owl tree painted on their wall
  • I graduated from real therapy ...
  • I sewed Elle's binki to a stuffed she wouldn't lose it as much
  • the bsmt got textured:)
  • I killed the garden
  • We started Laughing again!
  • We went to 2 family reunions
  • we built a FORT in the back yard
  • We got a pool for cheap from friends!
  • We played outside tons
  • Mommers had to move to the cabin bc of mold in her house.
  • I painted the BSMT and tiled the laundry and bathroom floors with help from amazing family and friends
  • Aug 1 we got carpet installed in the BSMT!!!
  • a week and a half later the BSMT flooded :(
  • another few days later it flooded again:'( we had to tear up the carpet and remove the pad
  • Kids started K, 3rd, and 5th grades
  • Babies told me she isn't allowed to be called 'babies' anymore cuz she's big ;'(
  • Elle got potty trained
  • I got released from cub master of the cub scouts after 4 years
  • I got called as activity days leader
  • Jax played Tackle Football for the first time!
  • Eva started tumbling and Cheer class
  • I refinished furniture for the girls' rooms.
  • Carter became the star of his soccer team (he's scored every goal except 2 so far this season)
  • I quit Diet Coke
  • I worked on quickbooks /accounting and payroll ( haha figured I best add that in here before I'm done)
  • I repainted the front door trim and all the window panes
  • My windshield got smashed to bits... and got fixed an untimely amt of time later
  • we got three flat tires all needing replaced!
  • Eva got her braces off!
  • three days later she lost her retainer.
  • I've hired/fired like 5 front office secretaries ( I might have lost count bc it was truly ridiculous!)
  • The furnace died so we borrowed some space heaters and we're getting a new furnace next week (yikes!)
  • yesterday I painted Jaxsons room (the last room in the house left untouched...)
  • the kids and I have studied and  memorized multiple scriptures and we've nearly read the book of Mormon all the way through again.
  • we've learned faith, been on the receiving end of countless tender mercies and generous blessings! too many to count.

  • Thankfully 362 days genuinely makes a big difference and I'm so grateful to all those who have helped lift us along the way. My heart is full. I didn't think we could ever actually 'feel good' again- but I dare say we are on our way. It has definitely been a journey but I'm beginning to believe we just might make it. I know we will. I have a testimony that The Lord really does hear and answer prayers. He has been truly mindful of our every need.

Thursday, September 26, 2013


Time is a funny thing. It helps make hurt feel better and forgetting easier. But the passing of time also makes loneliness feel more acute, distances feel greater, and babies grow older all in the blink of an eye. Also the passing of time manages to do this all while robbing us of the youth and vibrance necessary to tolerate such consequences of said passing time. Wild.
 Time can also leave us with questions unanswered, to do lists undone, dishes and laundry mountains, buckets of regret and nothing to show for it if we aren't careful. As the one year bench mark of my newfound singality approaches Time is definitely on my mind.

 I somehow thought IF we made it through one year all would be well. Hearts would be healed and lives mended. Time has done much but we are still a work in progress. Greatfully hearts are beginning to heal, and while lives may never fully mend We ARE well. The Lord has showered is with blessings, tender mercies abound! So many precious Miracles have prevailed. My little family has truly have been watched over at every turn. We have made much progress and continue to learn and grow more with each passing day... So today-even in the face of adversity-
in this regard I am grateful for the passing of time. 

Monday, September 23, 2013

So strong!

The adversary is so strong! :( I spoke today with a very close friend who is in the throes Of separation/divorce. I hurt for her. There is so much misinformation in the world. Lucifer can make so many lifestyles appear attractive that are not in congruence with our heavenly father's will. The grass ISN'T greener on the other side. Life is hard. Mortality is NOT easy Unfortunately. I believe that because these are the latter days our families ARE under attack. The heart of our homes is suffering a terrible siege. One that is hurting and taking many of our youth as victims. In my opinion the children of divorce suffer much much more thanthe divorcing   parents:'( I believe this mostly because they have zero control on the outcome of that aspect of their lives. Why a terrible thought/feeling! To be forced to sit back and watch as your very existence disintegrates before your eyes. My prayers are with these friends tonight and always. As well as with their sweet babies whom I know they cherish and adore. God speed and may The Lord assist in the many difficult decisions ahead. 😢

Tuesday, September 17, 2013


Happy. Most my thoughts and feelings these days are just that- happy. I feel good. Our beautiful basement is completed! It is a huge blessing, tender mercy and miracle all wrapped up in one amazing space that we never thought inhabitable! We are so very blessed to have it! Many thanks and much gratitude to those wonderful friends ,family members , neighbors , and acquaintances (who now will be dear friends forever!) who made this distant impossible  dream a reality. The Lord truly hears and answers our prayers! 

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Wild Wilson weekend!

Great pocatello flood of 2013!
So this weekend started like any other but quickly became complete madness! For starters we went on a bike ride around isu and Eva suddenly burst out in crazy angry itchy red hives all over her chest and back:( needless to say that was the end of our ride. We rushed home to the benedryl. That evening all seemed well and I figured it was heat rash or something random am weird. 

Friday came and Eva woke to an additional slurry of hives covering her head, neck, arms and legs. I took her in to the dr and was told it was probable some bush or pollen she must have brushed by on the bike ride. Very ambiguous and non- replicateable. We left the dr with a prescription for prednisone and a warning that her body may continue to react for seven days and that if her symptoms worsened to ward to the ET. So that was fun. We went home and tended to yard work and other various fall/winter house-prep during which I somehow threw out my back again and can't hardly walk let alone lift anything haha. So that was not awesome. An hour or two later it started hailing and raining like crazy! I went out to help the kids bring in bikes and lawn toys out of the rain and realized the front left tire of my van was almost completely flat😨 yikes! So I hurried and loaded all the kids up and went to the corner store and filled the tire with air then proceeded to drive the 4-5 miles to Walmart in the pouring rain to have it fixed. The roads were so wet everything was closed down to one lane and traffic was horrible- cars were stalling in the middle of the road because their engines were too flooded with water. It took just over an hour for us to get to the typically 10 min away Walmart. I spent the next four hours at Walmart waiting for it to be repaired. By the time they got to the van plus the long drive to the store the tire was not salvageable :( and had to be completely replaced. Luckily though it was Dave's weekend so he came and got the kids after work which relieved them I having to be bored to bear death at Walmart all afternoon. 

I got home around 715 pm and Luke was here to pick me up for our date. We went downstairs to check the laundry and the family room was flooded!!! the beautiful new carpet was sopping wet.
With Luke's help we used every towel in the house plus some sheets and blankets to dry up as much excess water as possible then I called around and borrowed about 6 fans which are still going on full blast in hopes that it will dry without needing to be replaced. I was so grateful Luke was there! 

Saturday morning I went out to Luke's to help him set up for his BBQ that night. We gathered and moved tables and 
Chairs, chopped vegetables,prepared side dishes, then caught and prepped a few horses for the bbq quests to ride. It was such a fun morning! we talked anc laughed and just really enjoyed each other. When the majority of the prep work was done I headed home to clean up and get ready for the BBQ. Driving down the hill from his house I was thinking how much I was beginning to like the tiny city of Inkom... It was precisely at this moment I was pulled over and given a speeding ticket:( I didn't know the speed limit and it's not really posted well so I wasn't going fastbut the   cop told me that apparently all the roads in inkom have a doped limit of 25 
Unless otherwise posted. So that Wouk have been good to know several minutes prior since I was in the only car in miles and the only cop in the town was desperately in need of something to do. 😾 Boo. $90 ticket- my first this century!!! (Haha haven't been pulled over since high school.) 

No big deal I shrugged it off, got showered and enjoyed the BBQ with Luke and friends. 

Dave called just prior to the BBQ saying that Eva's face, lips, neck, hands  and feet were breaking out in hives now and that she was complaining of an itchy throat too. I called DR and then Dave took her to get a refill of her prednisone. Luckily the medicine worked and we didn't have to take her to the ER but she had a hard night and didn't get much sleep:(

About an hour into the BBQ Tam's baby fell over in a camp chair and hit her face on a lava rock wall:'( they ended up in the ER with 6 six stitches. Poor baby!!!

After most of the quests had left we were cleaning up and talking with the few last stragglers when Mary called and said that Brandon was having a seizure and could Luke come give him a blessing?. Luckily one of Luke's other buddies was still there and offered to come help Luke give the blessing. They gave him a beautiful blessing and gratefully the seizure didn't progress and gradually ended.  We spent the rest of the night helping Mary tend to Brandon and watching their baby. I got home around midnight and crashed! 

Today I prepared/taught Primary sharing time for Tam which was fun;) Our ward got a new bishopric and Elena wouldn't go to nursery but so far no drama just a wonderful relaxing sabbath! What a tender mercy after a wild few days! So grateful for our many blessings and the people who thy bring with them:) ❤❤❤