What I want

💌I thought I'd known all along what I wanted and needed. But it appears that in recent days the very ideals of what I need versus what i want versus what's available able to me are all different. And I think of the lesson from  brother Carter's seminary class ' dont give up what you want most for what you

want right now'... I thought I knew what I wanted most And I thought I realized what I have right now and how to attain those righteous desires. Although these past few weeks have once again changed those realizations in my mind. 

The big 33. Who knew? I never pictured it like this, that's for sure. Its been a wicked crazy year!!! Hard to imagine  what events will transpire before the big 34?!? 

I do not fear the future because the blessings my little family and I have received these past 10 months have cemented in my mind the power of prayer. I have no doubt our Heavenly Father hears and answers our prayers. I know we've been on the recieving end of many miracles and I am so grateful. With God all things are possible. So.... Big 33,  I am just gonna go forward starting on my knees. 

Blessings in disguise

Sometimes things happen and we question 

Why? We beg for another  solution and get so frustrated and upset when our plan doesn't pan out just as we envisioned. Below are the lyrics to one of my most favorite songs. It's cby Hillary Weeks and is called beautiful Heartbreak

It sums up perfectly the way I have come to feel about the past 8 months of my life. i still donot understand but I do have a great view from the top of this new mountain I have had to climb and I am great full for all the blessings that have come in disguise. 

----------Beautiful Heartbreak-------

I had it all mapped out in front of me, 

Knew just where I wanted to go; 

But life decided to change my plans, 

And I found a mountain in the middle of my road. 

I knew there was no way over it, 

So I searched for a way around; 

Brokenhearted I started climbin', 

And at the top I found... 

Every fear, every doubt, 

All the pain I went through; 

Was the price that I paid to see this view; 

And now that I'm here I would never trade... 

The grace that I feel, 

And the faith that I find; 

Through the bitter-sweet tears, 

And the sleepless nights; 

I used to pray he'd take it all away, 

But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak. 

I never dreamed my heart would make it, 

I thought about turning around; 

But heaven has shown me miracles, 

I never would have seen from the ground. 

Now I take the rain with the sunshine, 

Cause there's one thing that I know; 

He picks up the pieces, 

Along each broken road. 

Every fear, every doubt, 

All the pain I went through; 

Was the price that I paid to see this view; 

And now that I'm here I would never trade... 

The grace that I feel, 

And the faith that I find; 

Through the bitter-sweet tears, 

And the sleepless nights. 

I used to pray he'd take it all away, 

But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak. 

I would never trade... 

The grace that I feel, 

And the faith that I find; 

Through the bitter-sweet tears, 

And the sleepless nights. 

I used to pray he'd take it all away, 

But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

Today

Today. 

Dave told me he didn't want to be married anymore 7 months ago today. 

Happy anniversary? Yeah ...not so much. Much has happened in those seven seemingly never ending months. Not the least of which is the finalization of the divorce and the would-be celebration of eleven years of marriage. 

I have a new empathy for those around me- a renewed resolve to never judge until I've walked a mile in another's shoes. I remember well those first five weeks of silence- I didn't tell another living soul of my utter devastation/anguish. That communication was left only to my Heavenly Father in hopes that something somewhere somehow would change and this travesty might be averted. I pleaded for solace for understanding and comfort. I still haven't received an outright understanding but solace and comfort have been my constant companions these long difficult months. 

Countless Blessings have been showered upon myself and my children as we've embarked upon this unwanted journey. We've never wanted for anything. Never a day has gone by that some tender mercy hasn't touched our lives or hearts. We have been surrounded by faithful saints willing and ready to serve. I can never repay the debt I owe to my fellow ward members, my and Dave's families,thoughtful neighbors, dear friends and even countless acquaintances and strangers who have served, prayed, and otherwise blessed my little clan. I will forever be in your debt and for your help I am immensely  grateful- we couldn't have made it to where we are now without each of those tender mercies. 

Even now all this time later my heart aches for what might have been - 'my happily ever after' forever erased from existence in the blink of an eye. 

I do not now know what our Heavenly Father has in store for me. I do however know that it is of great worth and I have received confirmation of this knowledge time and again as I have questioned and pleaded for understanding and peace. I do not understand, but I do have peace. I believe The Lord has a plan for us. I know He loves us and knows our needs. We are still having new experiences daily on this path to our new life together as single mom/kids.

Each day brings the promise of hope, as well as the burden of reflection. I choose not to dwell on what I can not change and to change that which I can. I know i can only change me. I can become my own best me- the me I've always meant to be. I am. I'm learning and growing a little each day. I've regained the ability to eat, to sleep, to smile, to laugh with my babies. Each of these is a milestone in our recovery for which I am grateful. Each marks a patch on a once broken heart now mending. The patches will be many the healing maybe slow but I am resolved to mend it completely before I'm through.   

Today is just one more 'patch'- one more step along our journey;

so I am grateful for today. We are on our way...

NOW...

Years ago in seminary I remember a lesson about priorities. I don't recall the particular details but I do remember the punch line 'don't give up what you want most for what you want RIGHT now'. I've been contemplating this recently as I enter this new phase of my life. I don't want to ' 'settle' (so to speak) ever.

As a strange and exceptionally new and untested tangent I have been asked out on a few dates recently:( while this is terrifying and flattering all in the same moment My mind keeps returning again and again to that seminary lesson theme. It is a very terrible/wonderful conflicting emotion all wrapped up into one fleeting experience. On the one hand YES it feels good and is fun to have someone that is perhaps interested in me for me and makes me feel good about me. And YES I often feel lonely and IT IS fun to think that the great void in my soul could once again be filled with companionship- even for an evening. BUT here's the tricky part- I do not at this time feel that I have had sufficient time to heal the heartache I still suffer.:( I worry SHOULD i meet someone and become even marginally involved my judgement may not be as fine tuned as necessary to accurately secure the requisite blessings and longings my eternal soul could demand. (When you're starving any food tastes great) how do I set out to temper myself to withstand the longings of mortality such to be prepared to receive the ultimate blessings of eternity? I don't just want 'FOOD'-I want the best gourmet offering The Lord has prepared. I know it's there and I believe it's something I can be entitled to if I am willing to work on myself first so that i am the best me that i can be coupled with a faithful and patient heart. The Lord knows our needs. He knows the innermost desires of our hearts. This I do not doubt. The trick is in the patience. Waiting is not something most are good at, myself included- particularly lately it seems. Alas, good things come to those who wait. Hence, In accordance with brother Carter's lesson i shall always remember not to give up what I want most for that which I want right now-no matter the cost. I am resolved to not allow myself to be hasty when so much is at stake. I shall not settle. I shall stand firm and achieve that which has been promised- albeit in this life or the next.

Done!!!

I'm so very grateful for the friends and family that have been there for us these past few months! The tender mercies selfless service and miracles have been many. Our prayers have been answered- we have not gone without, and our hearts and lives have been deeply touched.

I was doing really poorly then really well and now once again my heart is breaking! We spent the week in st. George with cousins and it was so fantastic! We played and shopped and laughed and explored. Wonderful every minute! I'm so very happy for them and the sweet spirit they are able to maintain in their humble home:)

My heart breaks over and over for my kids though- having spent so much time with my cousin and her amazing husband and kids left my mind and heart reeling! They were so kind and generous and happy AND my kids and I loved it. But now the bedtimes are long and teary and hard again as my babies wonder why their daddy doesn't love them like their cousins daddy loves his kids? I hurt every minute inside as I can't help but feel somewhat responsible for this horrible pain they are experiencing- because I picked their dad:! It's such an awful sinking feeling to see a sweet innocent little one suffering and aching so:( I can only imagine how our Heavenly Father feels each time we struggle. Unlike our lord i am powerless to solve/ help my babies. I made that choice. It can't be changed- nor would I want it to. These kids are the best thing I've ever done and I would never wish that away, no matter how difficult. I only wish they didn't have to feel the pain of divorce. I hate that the hard lessons of life are theirs to learn so early on. I see the pain In their faces and hear the cries of their hearts . No child should have to wonder how come they aren't loved the way they were meant to be loved. No mother should have to placate her babies broken hearts and dry tear stained eyes because daddy's not there- or because they're family is broken- never to be healed. It's a helpless lonely gut-wrenching horrible feeling. And While I'm aware the atonement will make up the difference of what I'm not capable to provide/ console - yet nothing so far seems to help relieve the implacable guilt that wrenches through my soul.

It's over....When Happily ever after ENDS-

I don't know where or how to begin this post...I've been dreading it and avoiding it all along. Sometimes I still forget it's real. I Hate that.

Dave told me the evening of October 18th that he didn't want to be Married anymore.
It was completely unexpected by me.
He didn't move out right away and I didn't tell anyone anything for over 5 weeks-
All the while I felt I had died inside.
I have spent the past several months in a blur.
Our Divorce was finalized Jan 3, 2013.
He didn't want anything- except to be done with everything.
The thirtieth of this month would have been our 11th wedding anniversary.
We have four wonderful children for whom I am daily grateful.
Thanks to all our many family and friends for your love and support through this difficult time-
We couldn't have made it without you.

I haven't blogged much because it has all been such a whirlwind. I was telling a neighbor today that in my mind it's still November. As the dust begins to settle it feels like I've been robbed of nearly half a year. I feel as though the fog that has been clouding my mind is slowly beginning to lift. The pain has gone from excruciating to ever present- yet tolerable. I am beginning to smile again. I am beginning to eat/sleep again. I am grateful for my knowledge of the Savior and his atonement. I am so in His Debt. He held me and consoled me those first horrible weeks. He's made it possible for this cloud of hurt and darkness to begin to break up. I've received to a new more intimate relationship with my savior then ever before. I have renewed faith in the future. I have faith in myself. I have faith in my babies- for whom my heart breaks again and again. I have faith the atonement has the power to heal their hearts. I believe there is a plan. I'm thankful for this knowledge every hour of every day. I pray for those around me. I hurt for those in pain. I feel more empathy for the suffering. I never have felt this depth of sorrow. I never before had known this level of heart break. My soul has ached for  comfort. My mind has begged for relief. My Body has revolted- daily tasks became immense chores. Eating was a burden. I ached for sleep but it would not come. I was blessed by those around me. Miracles abounded. Every time I thought things wouldn't add up or I had nothing left to give I was blessed with renewed strength in the form of service by my fellow men. When I couldn't carry on- my will was at its end, The Lord would send a friend to take the kids or deliver a meal,family to lend an ear. Hope was brought to the hopeless. I never went without. I was never left alone. I was blessed never to feel bitter- never to dwell in anger. Never to unduly experience fear. Our needs were met. Our thoughts and prayers were and still are being heard. I am grateful for a testimony of the truth- of the love our Father has for us. I'm thankful for His plan. I Love the Gospel of Jesus Christ and am so very humbled to have the peace and comfort it gives me and the strength it lends to my babies as they learn such hard life lessons so early.

Forward Progress

We are doing ok. Life is very different these days but gratefully we are beginning to adjust to our new routine. The Lord has been generous in His tender mercies upon our sweet family. These babies are sooo very strong and motivate me to be better every day. They are definately the best choices I've ever made and the best thing I've ever been apart of. Of that I have no doubt. I'm so very humbled to be blessed to be their mother!

PICTURES!

 Silly little cabbage patch baby

 ISU Game With Farrell- Go BENGALS!

 Jaxson Scout honors/achievements 2012

 My little Leprechans

Catching Popping Popcorn in the Kitchen (a family home evening Fav!)