NOW...

Years ago in seminary I remember a lesson about priorities. I don't recall the particular details but I do remember the punch line 'don't give up what you want most for what you want RIGHT now'. I've been contemplating this recently as I enter this new phase of my life. I don't want to ' 'settle' (so to speak) ever.

As a strange and exceptionally new and untested tangent I have been asked out on a few dates recently:( while this is terrifying and flattering all in the same moment My mind keeps returning again and again to that seminary lesson theme. It is a very terrible/wonderful conflicting emotion all wrapped up into one fleeting experience. On the one hand YES it feels good and is fun to have someone that is perhaps interested in me for me and makes me feel good about me. And YES I often feel lonely and IT IS fun to think that the great void in my soul could once again be filled with companionship- even for an evening. BUT here's the tricky part- I do not at this time feel that I have had sufficient time to heal the heartache I still suffer.:( I worry SHOULD i meet someone and become even marginally involved my judgement may not be as fine tuned as necessary to accurately secure the requisite blessings and longings my eternal soul could demand. (When you're starving any food tastes great) how do I set out to temper myself to withstand the longings of mortality such to be prepared to receive the ultimate blessings of eternity? I don't just want 'FOOD'-I want the best gourmet offering The Lord has prepared. I know it's there and I believe it's something I can be entitled to if I am willing to work on myself first so that i am the best me that i can be coupled with a faithful and patient heart. The Lord knows our needs. He knows the innermost desires of our hearts. This I do not doubt. The trick is in the patience. Waiting is not something most are good at, myself included- particularly lately it seems. Alas, good things come to those who wait. Hence, In accordance with brother Carter's lesson i shall always remember not to give up what I want most for that which I want right now-no matter the cost. I am resolved to not allow myself to be hasty when so much is at stake. I shall not settle. I shall stand firm and achieve that which has been promised- albeit in this life or the next.

Done!!!

I'm so very grateful for the friends and family that have been there for us these past few months! The tender mercies selfless service and miracles have been many. Our prayers have been answered- we have not gone without, and our hearts and lives have been deeply touched.

I was doing really poorly then really well and now once again my heart is breaking! We spent the week in st. George with cousins and it was so fantastic! We played and shopped and laughed and explored. Wonderful every minute! I'm so very happy for them and the sweet spirit they are able to maintain in their humble home:)

My heart breaks over and over for my kids though- having spent so much time with my cousin and her amazing husband and kids left my mind and heart reeling! They were so kind and generous and happy AND my kids and I loved it. But now the bedtimes are long and teary and hard again as my babies wonder why their daddy doesn't love them like their cousins daddy loves his kids? I hurt every minute inside as I can't help but feel somewhat responsible for this horrible pain they are experiencing- because I picked their dad:! It's such an awful sinking feeling to see a sweet innocent little one suffering and aching so:( I can only imagine how our Heavenly Father feels each time we struggle. Unlike our lord i am powerless to solve/ help my babies. I made that choice. It can't be changed- nor would I want it to. These kids are the best thing I've ever done and I would never wish that away, no matter how difficult. I only wish they didn't have to feel the pain of divorce. I hate that the hard lessons of life are theirs to learn so early on. I see the pain In their faces and hear the cries of their hearts . No child should have to wonder how come they aren't loved the way they were meant to be loved. No mother should have to placate her babies broken hearts and dry tear stained eyes because daddy's not there- or because they're family is broken- never to be healed. It's a helpless lonely gut-wrenching horrible feeling. And While I'm aware the atonement will make up the difference of what I'm not capable to provide/ console - yet nothing so far seems to help relieve the implacable guilt that wrenches through my soul.

It's over....When Happily ever after ENDS-

I don't know where or how to begin this post...I've been dreading it and avoiding it all along. Sometimes I still forget it's real. I Hate that.

Dave told me the evening of October 18th that he didn't want to be Married anymore.
It was completely unexpected by me.
He didn't move out right away and I didn't tell anyone anything for over 5 weeks-
All the while I felt I had died inside.
I have spent the past several months in a blur.
Our Divorce was finalized Jan 3, 2013.
He didn't want anything- except to be done with everything.
The thirtieth of this month would have been our 11th wedding anniversary.
We have four wonderful children for whom I am daily grateful.
Thanks to all our many family and friends for your love and support through this difficult time-
We couldn't have made it without you.

I haven't blogged much because it has all been such a whirlwind. I was telling a neighbor today that in my mind it's still November. As the dust begins to settle it feels like I've been robbed of nearly half a year. I feel as though the fog that has been clouding my mind is slowly beginning to lift. The pain has gone from excruciating to ever present- yet tolerable. I am beginning to smile again. I am beginning to eat/sleep again. I am grateful for my knowledge of the Savior and his atonement. I am so in His Debt. He held me and consoled me those first horrible weeks. He's made it possible for this cloud of hurt and darkness to begin to break up. I've received to a new more intimate relationship with my savior then ever before. I have renewed faith in the future. I have faith in myself. I have faith in my babies- for whom my heart breaks again and again. I have faith the atonement has the power to heal their hearts. I believe there is a plan. I'm thankful for this knowledge every hour of every day. I pray for those around me. I hurt for those in pain. I feel more empathy for the suffering. I never have felt this depth of sorrow. I never before had known this level of heart break. My soul has ached for  comfort. My mind has begged for relief. My Body has revolted- daily tasks became immense chores. Eating was a burden. I ached for sleep but it would not come. I was blessed by those around me. Miracles abounded. Every time I thought things wouldn't add up or I had nothing left to give I was blessed with renewed strength in the form of service by my fellow men. When I couldn't carry on- my will was at its end, The Lord would send a friend to take the kids or deliver a meal,family to lend an ear. Hope was brought to the hopeless. I never went without. I was never left alone. I was blessed never to feel bitter- never to dwell in anger. Never to unduly experience fear. Our needs were met. Our thoughts and prayers were and still are being heard. I am grateful for a testimony of the truth- of the love our Father has for us. I'm thankful for His plan. I Love the Gospel of Jesus Christ and am so very humbled to have the peace and comfort it gives me and the strength it lends to my babies as they learn such hard life lessons so early.

Forward Progress

We are doing ok. Life is very different these days but gratefully we are beginning to adjust to our new routine. The Lord has been generous in His tender mercies upon our sweet family. These babies are sooo very strong and motivate me to be better every day. They are definately the best choices I've ever made and the best thing I've ever been apart of. Of that I have no doubt. I'm so very humbled to be blessed to be their mother!

PICTURES!

 Silly little cabbage patch baby

 ISU Game With Farrell- Go BENGALS!

 Jaxson Scout honors/achievements 2012

 My little Leprechans

Catching Popping Popcorn in the Kitchen (a family home evening Fav!)

It...

Is it someone else?
Is it something else?
Perhaps a lack of identity within oneself?
How can one know, if they can't tell themselves?
I want to help- want to give of myself, but this problem's not mine.
I can't solve it alone.
How to help I still am not sure, but of this I'm certain-
I'll do what I must.
I'll never give up.
I'll do whatever it takes to help you rebound.
We need for you to be happy.
We love you so much.
Even if that means I must allow you to go.
No, it's not easy, it hurts more than I can admit
but I know I can't stand to see you suffer so.
I miss the spark in your eye, the laugh in your voice,
that special something that made everything alright.
It will be ok, whatever you pick.
We'll always be cheering for you, proud of all the great things that you'll do.
We're willing to do whatever it takes, to help you find you.
I hope you can find it. I hope it exists.
I hope you won't feel that there's something you've missed.
Let us know if there is help we can give, along this road you feel you must travel.
Please always remember you're loved- not simply by us but also by Father above.
You're never alone, in that you can trust.
He also can hear you and will help you find what you must.
I love you my darling.
Best wishes my dear.
I hope for you happiness year after year.
(Also when you find it, I'd love to hear.)

Sometimes...

Sometimes it's okay to not understand.
Sometimes it's not bad to be upset.
Sometimes things are not what they seem.
Sometimes people let us down, down so low we can't be found.
Sometimes its okay to not be brave, while the whole world's crashing down.
Eventually, I'm told, things will be ok, but it doesn't feel like that sometimes.
Today I don't like sometimes.
I yearn for other times when things were real and times were fun.
I miss the smiles, hate the tears.
Was it ever real?
For me it always was.
It feels as though it was for you too sometimes.
How will I ever know? The choice is not mine.
I don't know that I can ever understand.
Not this time.
We need you, and not just sometimes.

MUCH...

Much has happened since I've updated this blog and for now it cannot all be contained here. The thought of MUCH as a general principle is very much on my mind as of late.  Time changes so many things- kids grow/change, relationships grow/change, life presents challenges and joys. Heartache and devastation, Happiness and contentment- for better or worse everything changes with time.

In the scriptures we learn that time is fleeting and doesn't stay ('it came to pass...') we must live and love with our whole energies of spirit every hour of every day to make the most of this small window of mortality we are each individually granted. I am regularly amazed at how much one moment/action/choice can alter the entire outcome of our lives for better or for worse. I am astounded how much a person can have. I am amazed at the goodness of a loving Heavenly Father. I have learned we can't change others, only ourselves and pray for the rest- in faith, that things will work out- realizing the Lord has a plan and is mindful of our needs. I love the quote by President Hinckley about looking him self in the mirror and saying something to the extent of "it will be okay, it will all work out." I am grateful for how much we can learn from our living prophets and apostles and how the  Lord Guides them to lead us give the counsel we very much need to hear.

 I feel very blessed. We have been given so much. I'm grateful for the opportunities that change us and help us to grow. I'm grateful for the much love I feel for and from our families and friends. I ever grateful for the many joys motherhood has supplied me through the years. I'm grateful the Lord saw fit to bless us with 4 beautiful spirits that are filled with so much love and wise beyond their years. I pray everyday that I may be the mother they deserve. I pray that they will be strong and always trust in the Lord, especially when life feels hard. I pray that they will be able to feel how much we love them no matter what obstacles life throws our way. I should very much like to protect them- guard them from the harshness and pain of reality- keep them safe, young, innocent and confident. That would do much to calm my soul.

There is so much that is beyond our control- even when you feel you have done everything right- everything you're supposed to do to ensure a safe happy life for them. Everything the Father asks. There is so much that changes and so much we can't foresee- despite our faith and best efforts. The adversary is a very strong force and skillful at detecting our short comes, we must do much to ever be wary of his ever lingering presence and watchful eye.

 I'm sorry my babies. Everyday I pray that you may be spared much. Mortality is so hard. So much to learn so young. So much to endure so early. So many decisions, choices- pleasures and pain.   So much left undone. So much affected, so much changed. It can feel like Too much sometimes... which is why I'm so very grateful I've already been entrusted with and love you so much.