362...

In three days I will have officially been alone for one year. as of today- 362 days have passed since Dave come home and told me he didn't want to be married anymore. So much has happened in these past 12 months it really is hard to take it all in. I personally cannot believe it has nearly been a year. I feel as if I've been robbed of an entire year of my life. In my mind I feel it should be January. Here are a few of the major events/ happenings that have taken place in the past 362 days....

• Dave Left
• Grandma Wilson Passed away
• Dave became a great uncle
• Eva quit Dance after a few horrible foot surgerys :(
• Elena turned 2
• Carter turned 5
• I quit eating/sleeping
• I was served divorce papers
• We survived the holidays
• Jan 3rd 2013 the divorce was finalized
• I got an iphone
• I cut my hair short
• Jan 10? I had contractors look at my BSMT to give me a bid on installing a 2nd bathroom so we wouldn't have to move.
• Jan 30 AM  the contractors brought me a bid for the proposed renovation. That night I was so discouraged I didn't sleep at all.
• I repainted/ redecorated my room with a little help from my friends
• I don't remember much else about January.
• February 2nd AM I prayed and cried because I knew there was no way I could possibly come up with the means to make it happen even though I so desperately need/wanted it to
• Feb 2 The kids and I took a hammer to one of the huge cement walls. It crumbled and I felt better.
• Feb 7th I felt I should accept the bid in faith that our heavenly Father would provide and if I would just do everything in my power to move forward so I called and told them I would accept the bid and was ready to move forward whenever they were available.
• Mid-late February  it snowed and the contractors came to work on my home!(I was their 'inside' job)
• I performed at Frazier hall with Kirby's Comedy troupe- so scary and fun...
• Jax turned 11
• March 5,6,&7 With the help of my neighbors and my ward (scouts, High priests, EQ and many other gracious volunteers) we removed 6 12-18 inch cement walls. Opening the way for a splendid new beginning.
• I made many more new friends
• I got asked on a date...I said no
• I skywalked
• the car broke down- radiator replaced
• I took the kids to My wonderful Cousin Becky's home in St. George for Spring Break. Loved it!
• I texted.
• I played Scrabble...ALOT
• the BSMT got framed
• I got asked out on a date...I went. I couldn't even eat dinner and shook like a leaf the entire time. so terrifying and intimidating and strange!
• Little Eva Turned 8!!!
• Eva got baptized
• Eva got braces
• All the kids took swimming lessons
• The microwave and Dishwasher had to be replaced
• The fuel pump on the car had to be replaced.
• Eva had a huge cut full of stitches in her head
• Krista got home from her Mish...
• Summer was soooooo fun!
• We worked everyday on the BSMT
• I started eating again...and sleeping at least 3-4 hrs a night (up from 0-1)
• Dave graduated with his masters degree in counseling! Great work Dave:) 
• June- I got to be an aunt again.
• BSMT got Drywalled
• We had to move the water main (huge trench in the yard!)
• BSMT Got plumbed
• Egresss window cut out!
• Ginger (the kids' cat)  disappeared for 11 days and we thought she was gone for good :(
• she came back!
• I went  to a Jamberry Nails Conference in Salt Lake and loved it!
• I went to a cabin in palisades
• I turned 33
• Farrell turned 92
• The girls got an adorable owl tree painted on their wall
• I LOVED me some RETAIL THERAPY!
• I graduated from real therapy ...
• I sewed Elle's binki to a stuffed dog.so she wouldn't lose it as much
• the bsmt got textured:)
• I killed the garden
• We started Laughing again!
• We went to 2 family reunions
• we built a FORT in the back yard
• We got a pool for cheap from friends!
• We played outside tons
• Mommers had to move to the cabin bc of mold in her house.
• I painted the BSMT and tiled the laundry and bathroom floors with help from amazing family and friends
• Aug 1 we got carpet installed in the BSMT!!!
• a week and a half later the BSMT flooded :(
• another few days later it flooded again:'( we had to tear up the carpet and remove the pad
• Kids started K, 3rd, and 5th grades
• Babies told me she isn't allowed to be called 'babies' anymore cuz she's big ;'(
• Elle got potty trained
• I got released from cub master of the cub scouts after 4 years
• I got called as activity days leader
• Jax played Tackle Football for the first time!
• Eva started tumbling and Cheer class
• I refinished furniture for the girls' rooms.
• Carter became the star of his soccer team (he's scored every goal except 2 so far this season)
• I quit Diet Coke
• I worked on quickbooks /accounting and payroll ( haha figured I best add that in here before I'm done)
• I repainted the front door trim and all the window panes
• My windshield got smashed to bits... and got fixed an untimely amt of time later
• we got three flat tires all needing replaced!
• Eva got her braces off!
• three days later she lost her retainer.
• I've hired/fired like 5 front office secretaries ( I might have lost count bc it was truly ridiculous!)
• The furnace died so we borrowed some space heaters and we're getting a new furnace next week (yikes!)
• yesterday I painted Jaxsons room (the last room in the house left untouched...)
• the kids and I have studied and  memorized multiple scriptures and we've nearly read the book of Mormon all the way through again.
• we've learned faith, been on the receiving end of countless tender mercies and generous blessings! too many to count.

• Thankfully 362 days genuinely makes a big difference and I'm so grateful to all those who have helped lift us along the way. My heart is full. I didn't think we could ever actually 'feel good' again- but I dare say we are on our way. It has definitely been a journey but I'm beginning to believe we just might make it. I know we will. I have a testimony that The Lord really does hear and answer prayers. He has been truly mindful of our every need.

Time

Time is a funny thing. It helps make hurt feel better and forgetting easier. But the passing of time also makes loneliness feel more acute, distances feel greater, and babies grow older all in the blink of an eye. Also the passing of time manages to do this all while robbing us of the youth and vibrance necessary to tolerate such consequences of said passing time. Wild.

 Time can also leave us with questions unanswered, to do lists undone, dishes and laundry mountains, buckets of regret and nothing to show for it if we aren't careful. As the one year bench mark of my newfound singality approaches Time is definitely on my mind.

 I somehow thought IF we made it through one year all would be well. Hearts would be healed and lives mended. Time has done much but we are still a work in progress. Greatfully hearts are beginning to heal, and while lives may never fully mend We ARE well. The Lord has showered is with blessings, tender mercies abound! So many precious Miracles have prevailed. My little family has truly have been watched over at every turn. We have made much progress and continue to learn and grow more with each passing day... So today-even in the face of adversity-

in this regard I am grateful for the passing of time. 

So strong!

The adversary is so strong! :( I spoke today with a very close friend who is in the throes Of separation/divorce. I hurt for her. There is so much misinformation in the world. Lucifer can make so many lifestyles appear attractive that are not in congruence with our heavenly father's will. The grass ISN'T greener on the other side. Life is hard. Mortality is NOT easy Unfortunately. I believe that because these are the latter days our families ARE under attack. The heart of our homes is suffering a terrible siege. One that is hurting and taking many of our youth as victims. In my opinion the children of divorce suffer much much more thanthe divorcing   parents:'( I believe this mostly because they have zero control on the outcome of that aspect of their lives. Why a terrible thought/feeling! To be forced to sit back and watch as your very existence disintegrates before your eyes. My prayers are with these friends tonight and always. As well as with their sweet babies whom I know they cherish and adore. God speed and may The Lord assist in the many difficult decisions ahead. 😢

Happy

Happy. Most my thoughts and feelings these days are just that- happy. I feel good. Our beautiful basement is completed! It is a huge blessing, tender mercy and miracle all wrapped up in one amazing space that we never thought inhabitable! We are so very blessed to have it! Many thanks and much gratitude to those wonderful friends ,family members , neighbors , and acquaintances (who now will be dear friends forever!) who made this distant impossible  dream a reality. The Lord truly hears and answers our prayers! 

Wild Wilson weekend!

Great pocatello flood of 2013!

So this weekend started like any other but quickly became complete madness! For starters we went on a bike ride around isu and Eva suddenly burst out in crazy angry itchy red hives all over her chest and back:( needless to say that was the end of our ride. We rushed home to the benedryl. That evening all seemed well and I figured it was heat rash or something random am weird. 

Friday came and Eva woke to an additional slurry of hives covering her head, neck, arms and legs. I took her in to the dr and was told it was probable some bush or pollen she must have brushed by on the bike ride. Very ambiguous and non- replicateable. We left the dr with a prescription for prednisone and a warning that her body may continue to react for seven days and that if her symptoms worsened to ward to the ET. So that was fun. We went home and tended to yard work and other various fall/winter house-prep during which I somehow threw out my back again and can't hardly walk let alone lift anything haha. So that was not awesome. An hour or two later it started hailing and raining like crazy! I went out to help the kids bring in bikes and lawn toys out of the rain and realized the front left tire of my van was almost completely flat😨 yikes! So I hurried and loaded all the kids up and went to the corner store and filled the tire with air then proceeded to drive the 4-5 miles to Walmart in the pouring rain to have it fixed. The roads were so wet everything was closed down to one lane and traffic was horrible- cars were stalling in the middle of the road because their engines were too flooded with water. It took just over an hour for us to get to the typically 10 min away Walmart. I spent the next four hours at Walmart waiting for it to be repaired. By the time they got to the van plus the long drive to the store the tire was not salvageable :( and had to be completely replaced. Luckily though it was Dave's weekend so he came and got the kids after work which relieved them I having to be bored to bear death at Walmart all afternoon. 

I got home around 715 pm and Luke was here to pick me up for our date. We went downstairs to check the laundry and the family room was flooded!!! the beautiful new carpet was sopping wet.

With Luke's help we used every towel in the house plus some sheets and blankets to dry up as much excess water as possible then I called around and borrowed about 6 fans which are still going on full blast in hopes that it will dry without needing to be replaced. I was so grateful Luke was there! 

Saturday morning I went out to Luke's to help him set up for his BBQ that night. We gathered and moved tables and 

Chairs, chopped vegetables,prepared side dishes, then caught and prepped a few horses for the bbq quests to ride. It was such a fun morning! we talked anc laughed and just really enjoyed each other. When the majority of the prep work was done I headed home to clean up and get ready for the BBQ. Driving down the hill from his house I was thinking how much I was beginning to like the tiny city of Inkom... It was precisely at this moment I was pulled over and given a speeding ticket:( I didn't know the speed limit and it's not really posted well so I wasn't going fastbut the   cop told me that apparently all the roads in inkom have a doped limit of 25 

Unless otherwise posted. So that Wouk have been good to know several minutes prior since I was in the only car in miles and the only cop in the town was desperately in need of something to do. 😾 Boo. $90 ticket- my first this century!!! (Haha haven't been pulled over since high school.) 

No big deal I shrugged it off, got showered and enjoyed the BBQ with Luke and friends. 

Dave called just prior to the BBQ saying that Eva's face, lips, neck, hands  and feet were breaking out in hives now and that she was complaining of an itchy throat too. I called DR and then Dave took her to get a refill of her prednisone. Luckily the medicine worked and we didn't have to take her to the ER but she had a hard night and didn't get much sleep:(

About an hour into the BBQ Tam's baby fell over in a camp chair and hit her face on a lava rock wall:'( they ended up in the ER with 6 six stitches. Poor baby!!!

After most of the quests had left we were cleaning up and talking with the few last stragglers when Mary called and said that Brandon was having a seizure and could Luke come give him a blessing?. Luckily one of Luke's other buddies was still there and offered to come help Luke give the blessing. They gave him a beautiful blessing and gratefully the seizure didn't progress and gradually ended.  We spent the rest of the night helping Mary tend to Brandon and watching their baby. I got home around midnight and crashed! 

Today I prepared/taught Primary sharing time for Tam which was fun;) Our ward got a new bishopric and Elena wouldn't go to nursery but so far no drama just a wonderful relaxing sabbath! What a tender mercy after a wild few days! So grateful for our many blessings and the people who thy bring with them:) ❤❤❤

What I want

💌I thought I'd known all along what I wanted and needed. But it appears that in recent days the very ideals of what I need versus what i want versus what's available able to me are all different. And I think of the lesson from  brother Carter's seminary class ' dont give up what you want most for what you

want right now'... I thought I knew what I wanted most And I thought I realized what I have right now and how to attain those righteous desires. Although these past few weeks have once again changed those realizations in my mind. 

The big 33. Who knew? I never pictured it like this, that's for sure. Its been a wicked crazy year!!! Hard to imagine  what events will transpire before the big 34?!? 

I do not fear the future because the blessings my little family and I have received these past 10 months have cemented in my mind the power of prayer. I have no doubt our Heavenly Father hears and answers our prayers. I know we've been on the recieving end of many miracles and I am so grateful. With God all things are possible. So.... Big 33,  I am just gonna go forward starting on my knees. 

Blessings in disguise

Sometimes things happen and we question 

Why? We beg for another  solution and get so frustrated and upset when our plan doesn't pan out just as we envisioned. Below are the lyrics to one of my most favorite songs. It's cby Hillary Weeks and is called beautiful Heartbreak

It sums up perfectly the way I have come to feel about the past 8 months of my life. i still donot understand but I do have a great view from the top of this new mountain I have had to climb and I am great full for all the blessings that have come in disguise. 

----------Beautiful Heartbreak-------

I had it all mapped out in front of me, 

Knew just where I wanted to go; 

But life decided to change my plans, 

And I found a mountain in the middle of my road. 

I knew there was no way over it, 

So I searched for a way around; 

Brokenhearted I started climbin', 

And at the top I found... 

Every fear, every doubt, 

All the pain I went through; 

Was the price that I paid to see this view; 

And now that I'm here I would never trade... 

The grace that I feel, 

And the faith that I find; 

Through the bitter-sweet tears, 

And the sleepless nights; 

I used to pray he'd take it all away, 

But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak. 

I never dreamed my heart would make it, 

I thought about turning around; 

But heaven has shown me miracles, 

I never would have seen from the ground. 

Now I take the rain with the sunshine, 

Cause there's one thing that I know; 

He picks up the pieces, 

Along each broken road. 

Every fear, every doubt, 

All the pain I went through; 

Was the price that I paid to see this view; 

And now that I'm here I would never trade... 

The grace that I feel, 

And the faith that I find; 

Through the bitter-sweet tears, 

And the sleepless nights. 

I used to pray he'd take it all away, 

But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak. 

I would never trade... 

The grace that I feel, 

And the faith that I find; 

Through the bitter-sweet tears, 

And the sleepless nights. 

I used to pray he'd take it all away, 

But instead it became a beautiful heartbreak.

Today

Today. 

Dave told me he didn't want to be married anymore 7 months ago today. 

Happy anniversary? Yeah ...not so much. Much has happened in those seven seemingly never ending months. Not the least of which is the finalization of the divorce and the would-be celebration of eleven years of marriage. 

I have a new empathy for those around me- a renewed resolve to never judge until I've walked a mile in another's shoes. I remember well those first five weeks of silence- I didn't tell another living soul of my utter devastation/anguish. That communication was left only to my Heavenly Father in hopes that something somewhere somehow would change and this travesty might be averted. I pleaded for solace for understanding and comfort. I still haven't received an outright understanding but solace and comfort have been my constant companions these long difficult months. 

Countless Blessings have been showered upon myself and my children as we've embarked upon this unwanted journey. We've never wanted for anything. Never a day has gone by that some tender mercy hasn't touched our lives or hearts. We have been surrounded by faithful saints willing and ready to serve. I can never repay the debt I owe to my fellow ward members, my and Dave's families,thoughtful neighbors, dear friends and even countless acquaintances and strangers who have served, prayed, and otherwise blessed my little clan. I will forever be in your debt and for your help I am immensely  grateful- we couldn't have made it to where we are now without each of those tender mercies. 

Even now all this time later my heart aches for what might have been - 'my happily ever after' forever erased from existence in the blink of an eye. 

I do not now know what our Heavenly Father has in store for me. I do however know that it is of great worth and I have received confirmation of this knowledge time and again as I have questioned and pleaded for understanding and peace. I do not understand, but I do have peace. I believe The Lord has a plan for us. I know He loves us and knows our needs. We are still having new experiences daily on this path to our new life together as single mom/kids.

Each day brings the promise of hope, as well as the burden of reflection. I choose not to dwell on what I can not change and to change that which I can. I know i can only change me. I can become my own best me- the me I've always meant to be. I am. I'm learning and growing a little each day. I've regained the ability to eat, to sleep, to smile, to laugh with my babies. Each of these is a milestone in our recovery for which I am grateful. Each marks a patch on a once broken heart now mending. The patches will be many the healing maybe slow but I am resolved to mend it completely before I'm through.   

Today is just one more 'patch'- one more step along our journey;

so I am grateful for today. We are on our way...

NOW...

Years ago in seminary I remember a lesson about priorities. I don't recall the particular details but I do remember the punch line 'don't give up what you want most for what you want RIGHT now'. I've been contemplating this recently as I enter this new phase of my life. I don't want to ' 'settle' (so to speak) ever.

As a strange and exceptionally new and untested tangent I have been asked out on a few dates recently:( while this is terrifying and flattering all in the same moment My mind keeps returning again and again to that seminary lesson theme. It is a very terrible/wonderful conflicting emotion all wrapped up into one fleeting experience. On the one hand YES it feels good and is fun to have someone that is perhaps interested in me for me and makes me feel good about me. And YES I often feel lonely and IT IS fun to think that the great void in my soul could once again be filled with companionship- even for an evening. BUT here's the tricky part- I do not at this time feel that I have had sufficient time to heal the heartache I still suffer.:( I worry SHOULD i meet someone and become even marginally involved my judgement may not be as fine tuned as necessary to accurately secure the requisite blessings and longings my eternal soul could demand. (When you're starving any food tastes great) how do I set out to temper myself to withstand the longings of mortality such to be prepared to receive the ultimate blessings of eternity? I don't just want 'FOOD'-I want the best gourmet offering The Lord has prepared. I know it's there and I believe it's something I can be entitled to if I am willing to work on myself first so that i am the best me that i can be coupled with a faithful and patient heart. The Lord knows our needs. He knows the innermost desires of our hearts. This I do not doubt. The trick is in the patience. Waiting is not something most are good at, myself included- particularly lately it seems. Alas, good things come to those who wait. Hence, In accordance with brother Carter's lesson i shall always remember not to give up what I want most for that which I want right now-no matter the cost. I am resolved to not allow myself to be hasty when so much is at stake. I shall not settle. I shall stand firm and achieve that which has been promised- albeit in this life or the next.

Done!!!

I'm so very grateful for the friends and family that have been there for us these past few months! The tender mercies selfless service and miracles have been many. Our prayers have been answered- we have not gone without, and our hearts and lives have been deeply touched.

I was doing really poorly then really well and now once again my heart is breaking! We spent the week in st. George with cousins and it was so fantastic! We played and shopped and laughed and explored. Wonderful every minute! I'm so very happy for them and the sweet spirit they are able to maintain in their humble home:)

My heart breaks over and over for my kids though- having spent so much time with my cousin and her amazing husband and kids left my mind and heart reeling! They were so kind and generous and happy AND my kids and I loved it. But now the bedtimes are long and teary and hard again as my babies wonder why their daddy doesn't love them like their cousins daddy loves his kids? I hurt every minute inside as I can't help but feel somewhat responsible for this horrible pain they are experiencing- because I picked their dad:! It's such an awful sinking feeling to see a sweet innocent little one suffering and aching so:( I can only imagine how our Heavenly Father feels each time we struggle. Unlike our lord i am powerless to solve/ help my babies. I made that choice. It can't be changed- nor would I want it to. These kids are the best thing I've ever done and I would never wish that away, no matter how difficult. I only wish they didn't have to feel the pain of divorce. I hate that the hard lessons of life are theirs to learn so early on. I see the pain In their faces and hear the cries of their hearts . No child should have to wonder how come they aren't loved the way they were meant to be loved. No mother should have to placate her babies broken hearts and dry tear stained eyes because daddy's not there- or because they're family is broken- never to be healed. It's a helpless lonely gut-wrenching horrible feeling. And While I'm aware the atonement will make up the difference of what I'm not capable to provide/ console - yet nothing so far seems to help relieve the implacable guilt that wrenches through my soul.

It's over....When Happily ever after ENDS-

I don't know where or how to begin this post...I've been dreading it and avoiding it all along. Sometimes I still forget it's real. I Hate that.

Dave told me the evening of October 18th that he didn't want to be Married anymore.
It was completely unexpected by me.
He didn't move out right away and I didn't tell anyone anything for over 5 weeks-
All the while I felt I had died inside.
I have spent the past several months in a blur.
Our Divorce was finalized Jan 3, 2013.
He didn't want anything- except to be done with everything.
The thirtieth of this month would have been our 11th wedding anniversary.
We have four wonderful children for whom I am daily grateful.
Thanks to all our many family and friends for your love and support through this difficult time-
We couldn't have made it without you.

I haven't blogged much because it has all been such a whirlwind. I was telling a neighbor today that in my mind it's still November. As the dust begins to settle it feels like I've been robbed of nearly half a year. I feel as though the fog that has been clouding my mind is slowly beginning to lift. The pain has gone from excruciating to ever present- yet tolerable. I am beginning to smile again. I am beginning to eat/sleep again. I am grateful for my knowledge of the Savior and his atonement. I am so in His Debt. He held me and consoled me those first horrible weeks. He's made it possible for this cloud of hurt and darkness to begin to break up. I've received to a new more intimate relationship with my savior then ever before. I have renewed faith in the future. I have faith in myself. I have faith in my babies- for whom my heart breaks again and again. I have faith the atonement has the power to heal their hearts. I believe there is a plan. I'm thankful for this knowledge every hour of every day. I pray for those around me. I hurt for those in pain. I feel more empathy for the suffering. I never have felt this depth of sorrow. I never before had known this level of heart break. My soul has ached for  comfort. My mind has begged for relief. My Body has revolted- daily tasks became immense chores. Eating was a burden. I ached for sleep but it would not come. I was blessed by those around me. Miracles abounded. Every time I thought things wouldn't add up or I had nothing left to give I was blessed with renewed strength in the form of service by my fellow men. When I couldn't carry on- my will was at its end, The Lord would send a friend to take the kids or deliver a meal,family to lend an ear. Hope was brought to the hopeless. I never went without. I was never left alone. I was blessed never to feel bitter- never to dwell in anger. Never to unduly experience fear. Our needs were met. Our thoughts and prayers were and still are being heard. I am grateful for a testimony of the truth- of the love our Father has for us. I'm thankful for His plan. I Love the Gospel of Jesus Christ and am so very humbled to have the peace and comfort it gives me and the strength it lends to my babies as they learn such hard life lessons so early.

Forward Progress

We are doing ok. Life is very different these days but gratefully we are beginning to adjust to our new routine. The Lord has been generous in His tender mercies upon our sweet family. These babies are sooo very strong and motivate me to be better every day. They are definately the best choices I've ever made and the best thing I've ever been apart of. Of that I have no doubt. I'm so very humbled to be blessed to be their mother!